i was born a porn star she said
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
