Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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