May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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