Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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