my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
