Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
