I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
