I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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