So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
