How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
