I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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