My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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