saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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