Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
