i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Who wears a wallet chain?!
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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