he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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