You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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