Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I died a long time ago.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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