I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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