This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
