I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
