toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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