Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
