im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
