My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
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I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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