So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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