That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
