I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
