i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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