Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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