my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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