Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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