Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
