i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
