every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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