"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
