I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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