yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
