Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Pants are for mortals
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
