i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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