thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
