I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
