All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my shit smells like andre
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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