I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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