I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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