i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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