I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
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we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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