I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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