So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
