My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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