Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
