Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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