I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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