Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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