Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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