He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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