i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Sorry about my life...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
