"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize