I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I want to be your penis for a week.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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