I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
