The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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