ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
