Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
