College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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