I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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